my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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