You just made me feel so damn special
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She bit a glass in half.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
