What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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