I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I am morally bankrupt
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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