Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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