There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
