1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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