The maid of honor just puked.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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