At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
