the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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