My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
