90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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