Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
