Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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