and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
