theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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