i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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