If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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