I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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