just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
