Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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