How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
