I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
