Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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