Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
