Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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