ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
