I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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