K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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