I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
