dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
