you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
