so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
