I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
