That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
