im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
