Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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