I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
