apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
