**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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