gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
