I'm going to rape someone's good day.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
