so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
