Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
