okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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