I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
