I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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