I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
