u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
