The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
