The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
