There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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